‘Fucking Bitch’

If it is not being said directly to your face, it is being said quietly under his breath as he walks away. And if not, it is at least in his thoughts. So yeah, of course it has happened to me. What woman hasn’t it happened to? In my mind, the sentiment loosely translates to, “You are not behaving the way you should” or, “You are not doing what I expect you to do [as you should].” I have heard it put that way too, mainly by male friends and family, who would never call me a name, but who are still stunned by a woman’s willful independence. 

Growing up, it is hard to know how much of who you are is because you are born that way, and how much you mold yourself into being. For me, being around boys always seemed easier than being around girls. I always had one close girlfriend at any given time, but I never learned how to be a “mean girl,” which meant I was excluded from those packs. Still, I had the respect of most. And I usually had a boyfriend, which helped. Back then, there were no rules about any of this. Short of an assault (and probably even then), there wasn’t anyone to complain to about bullying from boys, or from girls. Nobody taught any of us how to be.

After high school, I went on to college, which was not much different, except for the vast amount of choices. After college, I worked for a small publishing firm, and eventually went in the direction of Marketing and Project Management, mainly in the healthcare industry. Eventually, I worked for myself from home. Still, the rules pretty much remained as far as men and women. I felt that I certainly had more opportunities than my mother ever had, and I believed that women had already achieved equal rights. So, it was not until I turned 50 that I realized just how far from equal rights I – and all women, really are.

In a lot of ways, I feel tricked. I have wondered if the men in my life had always known what I apparently did not know. I was not equal to them. I had only learned how to live in their world. And I did not realize just how little choice I really had about that. So, when it happened again last week – the “fucking bitch” routine from a man I do not even know, I realized that I was actually hearing it – really hearing it, for the very first time. And it sounded different. But why? Have I changed? Have I forgotten how to “behave?” Let’s hope so.